I am currently lying down emoing on the bed. It’s simple: all it takes is just some past typical chinese emo songs that will take you back to the year you once listened, the right temperature, personal uninterupted space and a heart that was broken and fixed, broken and fixed for a few times.
So what have I done to get over someone? Nothing. I believe time will slowly erode the banks of my heart and that’s really all I do. Just wait and do nothing about it. Am I retarded?
After several heart breaks and serious relationships, I could understand why do adults go for flings and flirts at some periods of their lives. No strings attached. Just pure fun, intimacy and all the perks of a relationship without being in a relationship and minus the negatives. But when I think that way with some girls, my morals start digging in and thats when I realize I rather invest my time n attention to a serious long term relationship again. Soon. When I have recovered my energy back.
But too bad, wrong time again. I call this no fate or the time is not right yet. The girl that have always been in my mind for 10 long years will still remain an imaginary girlfriend, simply cause she is happily attached right now and I shouldn’t be a jinx and third party who wrecks the sail of their relationship. Sure, they may trust each other but if I ever harbor such intentions, it is morally wrong and I believe karma will serve me some medicine from my own recipe.
So how would you describe this magical feeling I have towards her for as long as 10 years? It started off as a crush and infatuation, but if it lasts a decade, is it still a crush or infatuation? I can’t believe myself either. How did this feeling last so long? I only have a theory. We shared something special in our past lives but somehow just couldnt be together. That special bond was carried forward and forward in which we would find ourselves very emotionally close.
So what have I been doing for the past 10 years? Any guys wouldve went for the kill and be happily ever after. But I haven’t, not even when opportunity presents itself in the past. Maybe I was shy, or I was afraid of screwing the relationship up. Imagine confessing to a girl whom you have secretly loved for 10 years and whom you have always stood by the sidelines looking at her, following her footsteps as much as possible, and then screwing it up and then thinking “we are not working out? I think I will never recover from it, or maybe I will, in 20 years.
You see, I have gone to a large extent for this girl unknowingly. I may not realize it when I was doing it, but thinking back, I had a serious confession about how I had been attracted to my ex gf, simply because they share the same horoscope sign, and that she gives out some similar vibes as the girl in my mind. Of course when we were together, I treated her as her, and not someone else. So I wasnt that guilty except about the initial point.
What else? I also chose my school because she was in that school and business, and doing so would allow me to bump into her quite often. Quite surprisingly, in a twist of fate, I succeeded as the top in a course I never intended to take at the start. But because of her, because of my passion for her, I also found the passion to what I would want to do for my career next time. Not only have I gained that, I have also pick myself up as a school dropout and found back my confidence. Looking back, it all seemed like puzzle pieces piecing up together to form a perfect picture for me now (with the exception of the last missing piece)
And I guess I will never be able to fix that last missing piece even though I have found and identified it. Definitely not now or anytime sooner (my instincts tell), but I definitely hope I will be able to in the future. I definitely hope I will be that last missing piece for her. The next time an opportunity presents itself, I will grab it hard and never let it slip through my fingers again. I have lost count of how many times I let it slipped.
I have never been this open about my feelings about her before and I guess I should be frank to myself out loud at least so may be when I look back this post 10 years later I may remember the good times and who knows, I may be looking at it with her! (Daydreaming again, lol).
Isn’t life all about find that “one”? :) for now, I just wish the best for her and hope she doesnt suffer heart breaks like me. :/