TwinWire

Today’s Sunday. I took a healthy and fun approach to life by cycling with my friends at Pasir Ris park this evening for sunset. On returning home, I came across tons of recruits geared in their No.4 uniforms and I notice one thing common amongst most of them. 

Their depressing facial expressions. Just a look, I could read their minds; their thoughts of rather spending it with their girlfriends, their friends or family members rather than sailing to Tekong island for a homesick week. Most of the commanders there were so stern in their expressions and it only made things worser than it should. And the place, Pasir Ris interchange, was so reminiscent. The roof top, the floor tiles, the recruits’ family members standing behind, some worrying faces of the moms, the air, the buses trailing behind one after another, and the army shop. All these reminded me of you. Had it not been you, I can’t imagine how I am going to finish my BMT, turning it to a milestone accomplishment for me even though every guy goes through it. I’m deeply grateful and indebted.

I’m just too speechless for words. Your efforts and support were so detailed, thoughtful and love-filled but yet you could make things seem so effortless. Not to mention, the love we shared was so intense and deep as well. Good thing is, I did reciprocate whatever you had given me in the past during those times, but I’m just very puzzled why it didn’t work out at the end. What a pity. Looking back, it felt like a fairy-tale to me during Dec 2011 - Feb 2013. You were really my everything then, but now, you only remain a mere twitter/facebook account whom I check out each day just to see if you’re doing fine, or have you been happy. I can’t fathom that, really. I wish time can turn itself back in time, and allow me to relive those moments. I wish we never separated, cause I still believe we have very good prospects of being together. I’ve moved on, but I just couldn’t figure things out, still. 

I know it probably isn’t your problem any more, but can’t you even drop me a wish on my birthday? We are still friends after all, and 3 weeks ago, I still did a personalized card and bought some gifts for you as a token of apology and appreciation. You still get something despite the circumstances. I realized I am always so thoughtful and sensitive. Fact is, no one knows and no one reciprocates. I dont even expect you to do the same for me, but cant you at least drop me a text?

Sigh. I am already 22. One of the worst birthdays falls on this very time. Ns, depression, and everything bad

I am currently lying down emoing on the bed. It’s simple: all it takes is just some past typical chinese emo songs that will take you back to the year you once listened, the right temperature, personal uninterupted space and a heart that was broken and fixed, broken and fixed for a few times.

So what have I done to get over someone? Nothing. I believe time will slowly erode the banks of my heart and that’s really all I do. Just wait and do nothing about it. Am I retarded?

After several heart breaks and serious relationships, I could understand why do adults go for flings and flirts at some periods of their lives. No strings attached. Just pure fun, intimacy and all the perks of a relationship without being in a relationship and minus the negatives. But when I think that way with some girls, my morals start digging in and thats when I realize I rather invest my time n attention to a serious long term relationship again. Soon. When I have recovered my energy back.

But too bad, wrong time again. I call this no fate or the time is not right yet. The girl that have always been in my mind for 10 long years will still remain an imaginary girlfriend, simply cause she is happily attached right now and I shouldn’t be a jinx and third party who wrecks the sail of their relationship. Sure, they may trust each other but if I ever harbor such intentions, it is morally wrong and I believe karma will serve me some medicine from my own recipe.

So how would you describe this magical feeling I have towards her for as long as 10 years? It started off as a crush and infatuation, but if it lasts a decade, is it still a crush or infatuation? I can’t believe myself either. How did this feeling last so long? I only have a theory. We shared something special in our past lives but somehow just couldnt be together. That special bond was carried forward and forward in which we would find ourselves very emotionally close.

So what have I been doing for the past 10 years? Any guys wouldve went for the kill and be happily ever after. But I haven’t, not even when opportunity presents itself in the past. Maybe I was shy, or I was afraid of screwing the relationship up. Imagine confessing to a girl whom you have secretly loved for 10 years and whom you have always stood by the sidelines looking at her, following her footsteps as much as possible, and then screwing it up and then thinking “we are not working out? I think I will never recover from it, or maybe I will, in 20 years.

You see, I have gone to a large extent for this girl unknowingly. I may not realize it when I was doing it, but thinking back, I had a serious confession about how I had been attracted to my ex gf, simply because they share the same horoscope sign, and that she gives out some similar vibes as the girl in my mind. Of course when we were together, I treated her as her, and not someone else. So I wasnt that guilty except about the initial point.

What else? I also chose my school because she was in that school and business, and doing so would allow me to bump into her quite often. Quite surprisingly, in a twist of fate, I succeeded as the top in a course I never intended to take at the start. But because of her, because of my passion for her, I also found the passion to what I would want to do for my career next time. Not only have I gained that, I have also pick myself up as a school dropout and found back my confidence. Looking back, it all seemed like puzzle pieces piecing up together to form a perfect picture for me now (with the exception of the last missing piece)

And I guess I will never be able to fix that last missing piece even though I have found and identified it. Definitely not now or anytime sooner (my instincts tell), but I definitely hope I will be able to in the future. I definitely hope I will be that last missing piece for her. The next time an opportunity presents itself, I will grab it hard and never let it slip through my fingers again. I have lost count of how many times I let it slipped.

I have never been this open about my feelings about her before and I guess I should be frank to myself out loud at least so may be when I look back this post 10 years later I may remember the good times and who knows, I may be looking at it with her! (Daydreaming again, lol).

Isn’t life all about find that “one”? :) for now, I just wish the best for her and hope she doesnt suffer heart breaks like me. :/

Goodnight

(via ellypomenova)

Haha, I wish there are people who read this page, but because no one knows about it, hence no one reads it, I felt no need to help you publicize your tumblr here! (I Wanted to, but redundant) hahahaha!

P/S: I polled “Continue Blogging” with my 3 comps! :D I just want to let you know that no matter how if no one actually reads your tumblr, I am always here to pay attention to your zi-highing :D 

Don’t stop blogging, for me okay? :D